All That You're Waiting For
by jackxnina15
Summary: A 2-part fic focused on two characters who I think received not enough attention and way too much hate in season 4! Also Tony and Michelle.
1. To Lift Me, To Numb Me, To Define It All

**A/N: Another Matt Nathanson song! This is going to be a 2-part fic focused on two characters from season 4 that I think received not enough attention and way too much hate. I'm not going to say who the other chapter is about yet, but I bet you can figure it out. And really, the next part IS coming soon =)**

**Disclaimer: Don't own it**

_When you lead me, fit around my tongue  
It's so easy to forget that I'm lost  
I spent all of my life waiting for answers  
To lift me, to numb me, to define it all_

"I love you, Tony," she said as he slipped into bed next to her. As usual, he pulled her close to kiss her instead of responding. She returned his kisses almost halfheartedly, her mind elsewhere. _Why can't he ever say it?_ In the six months since he'd moved in, Tony had never told her he loved her. She tried to let it go tonight, as usual. _He just has trouble putting that into words...because he's been hurt so badly. _Jen couldn't stand to think of _her_ - Michelle Dessler. Even the name made her eyes narrow and her fists clench. Jen could see how the woman had broken Tony, stolen his pride and his will to live. Somehow Jen knew it was _her_ fault that he hardly did anything anymore except drink beer and watch soccer. She didn't know exactly what Michelle had done to make him this way, because Tony rarely spoke of her - except in his dreams.

And that was the real reason Jen hated the other woman so much: She knew that despite the malicious things she'd apparently done to Tony, he still loved her so much it was killing him. Jen had lost track of the number of times she'd woken up to Tony thrashing around, sometimes sobbing, and mumbling her name. "Michelle..." His expression cut her to the core. Never, in anger or love, had he looked that passionately at her. The only time she'd woken him during one of these dreams, tormented disappointment had flashed across his face before it returned to his usual apathy. Stunned, Jen had silently rolled over and cried herself back to sleep. _Will he ever get over her?_ When she was completely honest with herself, Jen feared she would never be enough for him; that no matter how much time passed, he would always wish it was Michelle he was holding.

Her thoughts were interrupted as Tony wasted no time slipping his hands under her shirt. She allowed him to pull it off and ran her hands down his sides, feeling herself being drawn into him again. _Does it really matter?_ He was the best thing that had ever happened to her - even in his depressed state, he was a decent man and showed her more respect than anyone ever had. Before him, all she'd known was one-night stands from the bar and a boyfriend who occasionally slapped her around. Tony was her Prince Charming, and she was willing to settle for as much of him as he could give. _As long as Michelle is just a memory, we can be as close to happy as I'll ever get._

_Sunshine, I'm beginning to like this  
All I wanna be is the minute that you hold me in  
When you pretended I'm all that you're waiting for  
Time slips to nothing and I'm better than I've ever been  
I'm suspended_

**Yes, Jen was a bitch, but I felt like she wasn't really fairly represented in the show - we only see her after her alcoholic boyfriend brings home people from his old life that tell her she can't go to work or use the phone. It's not like she's used to being responsible for national security! And I think she could tell Tony wasn't that into her, which had to be hard. Anyway, please review it, and tell me if you know who the second part is going to cover...hint: it's the same song.**


	2. Bracing For Something That Never Came

**A/N: Here's part 2! A look at what Bill meant when he said he and Michelle "never really got off the ground." I didn't watch the seasons in order the first time, I watched season 5 then started back at 1, so by the time I got to 4 I already loved Bill. I felt kind of bad for him because he really liked Michelle, but never had a chance with her. I think when season 4 first aired, though, lots of people hated Bill for a) dating Michelle and b) interfering with Jack's save-the-country efforts. So I'm really glad they made him into a good guy in the later seasons. Anyway, this story is finished and I'm not sure what I'll be working on next...maybe some House MD stuff? But I'll hopefully be back with more 24 soon! Sorry for the long rambling note =)**

_With your breathing filling up my lungs  
I can almost believe that I'm almost enough  
I spent all of my life empty of anthems  
Bracing for something that never did come_

"Do you want to come in for a drink?" Michelle asked before he could kiss her goodnight.

He paused and searched her face for a moment. _Is she just asking because she thinks she should?_ This was their fourth date, and although they'd kissed, Michelle had never shown much interest in anything more. "Of course," he answered. _It's just a drink. This doesn't have to go any further than she's comfortable with._

The two had met a year earlier when Michelle transferred to CTU Seattle to replace Bill's resigned Director of Communications. At first, he'd been taken off guard by the idea of having a female second-in-command, but he found her to be as efficient and capable as any man. From the beginning, he noticed she was beautiful, but he knew of her past in Los Angeles. Most of the information came from news reports of Tony's trial and imprisonment and CTU post-incident briefing reports - Michelle rarely spoke of it. She wore her wedding ring, though, and drove to the Fort Bragg jail to visit him every weekend she could get away. Then came the pardon; she applied for transfer and was gone in a week.

Bill hoped he'd see her again at regional CTU conferences again, but was certainly surprised when he moved to Division eight months later and found her heading a Comms team there. The few minutes they talked his first day left him bewildered and concerned for her, and certain the reason for her move to Division wasn't a pleasant one. He was used to a faraway, wistful shadow in her eyes, but nothing like the icy shield she hid behind now. The only cause he could think of for her bitterness was confirmed true the next day when he saw he bare ring finger. What could have happened between her and the husband she'd obviously loved so much? Although Bill had never met Tony, he couldn't believe the man would leave Michelle after risking his life, job, and freedom to save her.

A month after Bill arrived at Division, she'd finally opened up enough to hint that Tony had chosen the bottle over her. His heart ached for her, and he found himself hating this Almeida more than even she seemed to. He and Michelle grew closer, or at least relative to the distance she remained from everyone else, and two weeks ago they began dating. Bill was thankful he'd always been good at keeping a hold on his emotions, because in those two weeks he fell for her fast, but he saw few signs she felt the same way. She was beautiful, interesting, easy to talk to...but there was always that barely perceptible distance.

Now, as they finished their drinks and Michelle moved closer to him on the couch, the physical distance disappeared but the less tangible one remained. Always the gentleman, he'd made a special effort to keep his hands to himself with her because he knew she just wasn't ready for that yet. Tonight, though, she seemed convinced otherwise as she kissed him slowly and removed his glass from his hand.

Bill enjoyed the sudden intimacy, though his mind warned him this might not be best for her. He allowed himself to run his fingers across her jaw, then slip a hand back to cradle the back of her neck. She tilted her head and opened her mouth slightly, heating up the kiss. Apprehension accompanied the desire running through him - he wasn't what she really wanted. He didn't take it personally, but knew she could never come close to feeling for him what he believed she still felt for Tony. Was it possible for him to be happy with whatever kind of love she was capable of? He did care for her, and these weeks with her were better than the years he'd spend alone. Maybe they could be happy together without the level of passion he knew she'd never feel. He felt his caution begin to slip away as her tongue tried to coax him into believing this would be enough.

_'Cause all I wanna be is the minute that you hold me in  
When you pretended I'm all that you're waiting for  
Time slips to nothing and I'm better than I've ever been  
I'm suspended_

_But it's not enough to be surrounded  
Not enough to stay awake, torn, braced, cornered  
And not feel alone_

"Michelle, I should go." It took every ounce of strength he could summon to pull himself from her kisses before things went too far.

Confusion and even hurt tinted her permanently unexpressive countenance, but he could see the acceptance in her eyes. They both understood what seemed desirable tonight wouldn't help anything in the morning, and a melancholy gripped him as she walked him to the door. Somehow he knew there was nowhere for them to go from here: They had tried for a relationship, but they simply weren't meant to be more than friends, even colleagues. He cared for her, and she for him, but in a way that could never even touch her love for the other man. The last thing he wanted was for her to try in vain to dull the ache by forcing herself into something she wasn't ready for, and maybe never would be.

"Goodbye, Michelle." He gently kissed her cheek and left.

**One more thought - When Michelle died, Bill was probably more sad than he showed because that's just not his style, and he was too busy holding everything at CTU together. I feel bad that everybody focused on Tony's grief and chances are no one there even knew about his feelings for her. Also, where the HECK is Karen Hayes in season 7?? I was glad Bill was finally happy with her and I hope nothing happened to mess that up!**

**Anyway, please review! I'd like to know what other people are thinking about any of this. **


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